I Don’t Trust You, God

I have three friends sisters that understand a crippling fear I deal with.  With my husband, and now all of my readers, it will be six total at the end of this post. I will be swimming through my day, my life and enjoying the feel of the water and the breeze and the sound of the waves.  And then out of nowhere, this fear pops up like a person near-drowning and gasping for air and wraps its arms around my neck and it drags me below with the weight of itself.

Eventually, I flail to get to the surface.

Eventually.

But sometimes I stay under the water and I don’t fight.  I look around a bit.  I see what Fear is seeing and I adjust to life down there in the cold and the dark and, excepting my rapid heartbeat, the quiet.

I have a fear of losing one of these precious people I get to do life with every day.

I have tried and tried to give this thing over.  Tearful conversations with my closest sisters investigating this fear and in deep prayer for days, it would go away.  And then I was good to go, right?  But I was only flirting with giving it up.  What I was doing was putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone.

As is my case with God, when I recognize something that needs to be rooted out, I don’t get signals.  He goes all out and puts up roadblocks and neon orange Detour signs and even sends an officer to ask me to roll my window down and explain the situation to me.

And I still sneak around and go the other way.

It drives me crazy and that is also part of why I love Him so much.  He will not let me stay broken.  He doesn’t even want me hobbling around on a bum leg.

This summer at a conference which, incidentally, had nothing to do with fear, I scrawled out a sentence on the corner of a piece of notebook paper that slapped me on the back of the head like a rolled up newspaper:

moment by moment obedience

I took it home and this began to be my prayer…but only concerning my career in writing.  I have said these very words 116 times to a group of ladies regarding projects we are working on. But God?  He is also merciful.  He lets me discover things on my own and I will say The Thing and then He will pat me on my head and say, ‘You got it, girl.’

I sent a text to my sister the night before I got a text from God.  It said:

That’s my constant prayer lately.  Remain in Him.  Don’t run ahead.  Don’t look behind…I really believe it is the key.

And then right after that, my go-to girl (thanks, Rach) sent me a podcast from Matt Chandler.  And if I got hit on the head with a rolled up newspaper before, consider this a full-on alley scrum:

‘I want to press on you this truth.  I think it’s going to sting, but it becomes of utmost importance for your joy and freedom from fear and anxiety.  The bottom line in most fear and anxiety is you simply don’t trust that God is good.  Look at me.  Don’t lie about that.  There’s no freedom for you if you can’t say, “I don’t trust that you’re good.  I don’t trust that you have my best interests.  I don’t trust that you’re going to provide for me.  I don’t trust that you’re good enough.  I don’t trust that you’ll be enough for me.  So I have to take it and I have to worry about it.’

This is not something that I would consciously say.  It’s horrifying.

And based on how I am acting?

True.

These fear fits and going below the surface only happen occasionally but, truth be told, I always feel the bony, cold hand of fear on my shoulder.  Waiting…

But I know things about God that are bigger than any fear I have.

He is good.

He is good. 

And I need only remember this truth in this very minute.  As it turns out, the process of giving up this fear begins with…guess what?

moment by moment obedience

‘Here’s your sign, Mel.’

Maybe your thing isn’t the kids.  Maybe it’s the ones you will have.  Or could it be your job…or lack of?  Is it your spouse…or future one?  We mistrust Him in a thousand different ways, don’t we?

As Matt said, ‘This is going to sting’ but I need to ask:

Do you trust God?

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21 COMMENTS

  1. Jill Tucker | 24th Oct 13

    You’re brave. Your ability to explain feelings is poetic. So, do I trust God? Sometimes. Because I have had so much loss in my life, I think that I ponder the What if’s too much. I don’t want any more pain. But I know that if one of those What if’s comes to being, God will help me. He will. Love you and thank you!

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      Thank YOU. For being brave to me…you are always sharing yourself. I still love the way God put us together over iced tea and buttered rolls and rich food. Thank you for your generous words, sister.

  2. Julie Minton | 24th Oct 13

    I love this!!! I will be reading it again and again!! ❤ You

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      We’ve talked about this for years, haven’t we? Thank you for always being willing to ‘go there’ with me and help me process. This is the part of the story where God redeems these wasted worries. I love you.

  3. Misti | 24th Oct 13

    Every single one of us has a crippling fear. It comes in all sizes shapes and forms but it is there and powerful. I too have a pity party pit. It’s cute in there but absolutely nothing gets accomplished. The enemy wants to cripple us, to make us weak and scared or even just distracted for a while. What is most important in this life, relationships. Are you connecting with people? Then you are fine girl. Doing the good work. Fighting the good fight. Shake your fist. When you feel the pull and tug of your fear say the words Jesus said “Get thee behind me.” “Get out of my face.” Sing it like the song on that cartoon horse movie Spirit, “Get off of my BACK.” “Talk to the hand, cause this girl ain’t listening.” Say the words in red and he will flee. The dark brooding clouds will lift and you can run and play and laugh and love. Easier said than done. Your husband is your spiritual protector and leader. If you ask him to say the words when you can’t because it’s too hard, that works too. Use your sword friend. Death has been defeated. Jesus pierced the veil. The battle is won.

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      We all do, don’t we? Thank you for this reminder. I like the idea of shaking my fist :). I love these words! And YOU.

  4. Danielle Duhon | 24th Oct 13

    I started saying something to the hubby last night and I stopped because I didn’t want to say the words out loud “Do you have daily thoughts of me dying or God taking all of this wonderful away?” I guess my fear of abandonment is real and present. I’ve never thought about the fact that I didn’t trust God. I have always thought it came from old truths that say nothing good will last forever. I will now pray for moment to moment obedience. Love that!!! You writing is beautiful and reaches deep into my soul.

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      Your words touched me especially…that soul connection we have always had despite distance? That’s really something, don’t you think? I miss day to day deep but I love knowing that we are always tracking. Thank you for being honest with your encouragement and your conversation with Phil…starting to realize it’s not just me. That’s huge. I love you.

  5. Kimberly Miller | 25th Oct 13

    Great words of wisdom.You know anxiety in and of itself is basically lack of faith in God. We all have it from one time to another and some of us struggle more with it than others. What I have learned is that GOD is ENOUGH. What I have been taught by God (through others and the Bible) is that HE wants us to trust HIM, just like we trust a chair that we are going to sit down on. When we sit down we don’t wonder or question if the chair is going to hold us or break it just does the job and we have a simple faith that it will continue to hold us. I believe that is what God wants from us. He wants us to rest in HIM.(the Bible even tells us this). He is our chair and carries our weight/burdens. Now I will say I don’t always do this, because like you, I tend to struggle in these areas, but not near as much as I used to. I have been taught and have found that “speaking the WORD” over situations and memorizing scriptures really do help. I am glad you touched on this subject, because I think people don’t always want to admit they have anxiety over things. Thanks for opening up! GOD is so Great! -love your blog!

    Matthew 11:28-30

    New International Version (NIV)

    28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      You are so right about speaking Truth into a situation…God is hammering that home for me more and more each year…to speak His words back to Him…such power in that! Thank you for taking the time say all you did. I am savoring your words. And what a vision…Jesus wants us weary and burdened and messy. Such love.

  6. JaNeen Frank | 25th Oct 13

    Just what I needed! THANK YOU, Sweetie!

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      Thank YOU! I have loved your emails and responses…feels like a hug from my friend. Got your mama on my heart. I hope to see you SOON!!

  7. Rachel | 25th Oct 13

    Amen a million times over. as Corrie Ten Boom says, we clench things too tightly and it makes it hurt all the more when God has to pry them from our hands. Just a false sense of control and our own tendency to raise up idols and place emphasis on things other than the Lord. We serve a patient God and He is willing to wait for us to come around to releasing the grip…or sometimes mercifully strips the idols. It’s hard for me to view it as mercy sometimes, if I’m being honest. So I join you on this journey. We won’t perfect our trust Him, but thats just one more thing that points to our utter need for Him. Thank you for your boldness in sharing this!!

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      I always love you being honest with me…results in this deep place we stay and grow and burn. Thank you for never holding back Truth. I know you understand this because I have gone here with you many times…thank you for always holding my hand. I say it a thousand times…you are such a gift.

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  9. Tina Griffin | 28th Oct 13

    Moment by moment! Yes! He is good! Love it Mel! We need coffee again soon!

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      Moment by moment! You are reminding me again as I read this. Yes to coffee…any day. All day. I need more Tina Time!

  10. SB | 29th Oct 13

    I know my fear is taking care of my family and being strong when I’m not. As a man my fears are different but the same in Gods eyes. It’s fear! God loves me. Thank you for reaching deep and asking the question. I’m sure satan wanted you to think you could not. Press on Press on!! BB

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 31st Oct 13

      I love your boldness in declaring your fear. I love your support and strong words. I love you. So much.

  11. Jonathan | 1st Jun 14

    I believe he is provider, but will it be enough? Will it be good? I’ve seen Christians and non Christians be both provided for and not provided for. It doesn’t make any sense. Might as well work hard and not worry about wether I’m gonna make it right.

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 2nd Jun 14

      Jonathan,
      Thank you for checking in…I agree…when you ask the tough questions (and I don’t ever not want to!)…your answers get shaved down to bare truth, right? I love this quote, always have (about Psalm 84 and how God does not withhold good things from the righteous):

      “But how is this true, when God oftentimes withholds riches and honours, and health of body from men, though they walk ever so uprightly; we may therefore know that honours and riches and bodily strength, are none of God’s good things; they are of the number of things indifferent which God bestows promiscuously upon the just and unjust, as the rain to fall and the sun to shine.
      The good things of God are chiefly
      peace of conscience and the joy in the Holy Ghost in this life;
      fruition of God’s presence, and vision of his blessed face in the next,
      and these good things God never bestows upon the wicked,
      never withholds from the godly…”

      His ways are higher…and you are right…working for the Lord is all that matters. I’m so glad to hear from you! Thank you.

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