Tight Jeans and Jesus Bows

After months of experiencing some unusual symptoms, I decided to do what any crazy person would do:  I googled them.  Like chasing a greyhound around the track, one symptom leads to another and my palms are sweaty, knees weak and arms heavy…wait, that’s an Eminem song…  Anyway, I always get confused when they put fatigue as a symptom.  I thought it was just an adaptive state of motherhood.   Am I sick-tired or just mama-tired?  I don’t know…I don’t have any reference point in memory.  Nevertheless, it gives me one more clue to my diagnosis…

Feeling like I was suddenly and rudely thrust into a middle-of-the-night wet the bed drill by one of the kids, my eyes landed on the final Google diagnosis and it echoed hollowly through my head:  ovarian cancer.

My sweet husband was going to have to really kick it in.  What about the kids? Who would put the toilet paper back on the holder instead of just placing it on top?

As my mind kept racing over the symptoms, my eyes were drawn like a magnet to the only one that really applied.  Here it is in black and white:

  • A swollen or bloated abdomen, increased girth. Some women notice that their pants or skirts are getting tight around the waist. The bloating is a sign that fluid, called ascites, is building up in the abdominal cavity in later stage disease

 

Great.  Not only do I have ovarian cancer, I am in the advanced stages of the disease. Trying to think of the best way to break this news to Scott, I just couldn’t stop thinking about how young I was.

Except…

Maybe I wasn’t as young as I think I am anymore.  I have one of those milestone birthdays rudely thumbing its nose at me right around the corner and suddenly I know what is happening. A nursery song about an Old Gray Mare captures my plight:  I definitely ain’t what I used to be. It doesn’t seem fair that I have to work harder each year just to stay only a little bit behind.

And just when did Ibuprofen become the new black?

Since I started this blog to be encouragement for others, I had to reflect on this question:  How is talking about tight skirts helpful? What on earth is my point?

And I came to this conclusion:

I am not sure.

I could wrap it up with a Jesus bow and say that I am fearfully and wonderfully made except focusing too much on the ‘fearfully’ portion of Psalm 139:14 is not appropriately honoring this fact.

Even if my body is falling apart just as I am getting it together better, I don’t really feel like a milestone birthday age in my head.  That is partly surely due to the fact that I have never really acted my age.  Maybe while it is ego-bruising to investigate the casualties of time and gravity occasionally, my personal goal is to always be a better human this year than last year.  So I suppose if deep joy and other-worldly peace need to be accompanied by laugh-lines and a good friend in Lady Clairol…I’ll take it.

Well…maybe that is an okay point after all.

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8 COMMENTS

  1. cliff | 1st Nov 13

    My wife was diagnosed. I thought it was hard and alone it was. Until I prayed and asked God to take over. All the dishes washed, clothes folded, food cooked, could not change her condition. HE proved that we were not alone and my wife is healthier than she was when we met. My GOD is an awesome God and HE will show up and show out for you!!!

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 1st Nov 13

      Cliff, I can’t imagine going through what you guys have gone through…but I know this God you are talking about. He is mine too. Thank you for your words. This particular post was kind of a poke at myself about getting older (you gotta laugh about it, right?)…but the one before this on moment by moment obedience is my daily prayer…sounds like you know this one well. So good to hear from you! And SO thankful your wife is healthier than ever…God is good.

  2. Jill Tucker | 1st Nov 13

    Three people in my family have had cancer. I used to to be the Brand Editor at a large corporation for two cancer drugs. I am ALWAYS wondering and Googling symptoms of my family and mine, especially the older I get. This post is so funny to me and encouraging! Apparently I’m not the only one! 🙂

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 1st Nov 13

      Yes…I have to stop Googling stuff 😮 Thank you for holding my hand. Honored to be with you on this journey. Thanks for talking me off the ledge this morning. And yesterday. And the day before…I want to be the same for you.

  3. Julie Minton | 1st Nov 13
  4. Nicole Ayers | 1st Nov 13

    I find that eating too many cupcakes gives me a bad case of “A swollen or bloated abdomen, increased girth. Some women notice that their pants or skirts are getting tight around the waist. The bloating is a sign that fluid, called ascites, is building up in the abdominal cavity in later stage disease”
    #callmegooglehowsermd

  5. Anna Bellow | 2nd Nov 13

    Ummm…. are you saying you have ovarian cancer ??
    Hoping I misread this.

    • melissablair09@gmail.com | 3rd Nov 13

      No, Anna…just a confusing post. Sorry! Hope you are well! Miss seeing you at the playground 🙂

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